As my newest video was being uploaded onto my YouTube channel, I was browsing through my old videos. I came across my earliest videos from around December/January. Not only was I extremely awkward and shy, but I now question myself as to how I was even able to post those videos.
Most of you probably don’t know, but my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in 2009. If there is such thing as the deadliest cancer, pancreatic is the one. On and off throughout the years, she went through chemotherapy and radiation. Around Thanksgiving of 2012, my mom’s health starting taking a turn for the worst. It all started with a stupid little cough.
Days passed and she only got worse. Her arm started to swell up. As time passed, her entire body swelled up. I was running back and forth between college and home to help take care of her. She ended up needing around the clock care. My dad and I had to dress her, feed her, etc. My mom started to get delusional and didn’t know what was going on around her. I would remain in a light sleep every night incase she needed help. My mom was deteriorating right in front of my eyes and it was incredibly heart breaking.
I uploaded my first YouTube video on December 13th. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was my first attempt to escape the pain.
I remember the morning of January 14th, 2013. I was sleeping on the floor of my parent’s bedroom. I got up around 4:00 am to feed my mom some orange juice. Around 6:30 am my dad woke me up to tell me she was barely breathing. I tried waking her up but she had slipped into a coma. I jumped into her bed and held her hand. I quickly remembered my friend telling me that a person’s hearing is the last to go, so I told her it was all going to be okay and that she could go join Grandma now. I didn’t want her to be scared and I know she would have done the same for me. In my heart I didn’t want her to go, but I knew I had to do anything I could to make her feel comfortable. A few minutes later as I was holding her hand, I watched her take her last breath. Seeing someone die is something that stays with you forever.
I uploaded another video on January 30th. Looking back on it, I wonder how on earth I was able to get myself together to film a video about fashion and makeup just 16 days after my mom passed away, but YouTube has really been an amazing escape. When I film, I forget everything going on around me. I get wrapped into editing for hours which is enjoyable for me. I think with all of the negativity in my life right now, it makes me feel good to get that positive feedback from everyone on YouTube, which captures me into making more videos. Obviously I am still going through a lot. The smile and upbeat attitude in my videos is only temporary as I still go through my good and bad days.
THANK YOU to everyone who has been watching my YouTube videos; it truly means the world to me. Just feeling support no matter where it’s from has helped me tremendously. My YouTube journey has just begun and I can’t wait for you all to grow with me and my channel!
xoxo Marissa J. Berman